An Unoriginal Crisis

Why, hello! Another blog post so soon? Who are you, and what have you done with the real lazy author who normally waits ice ages between posts?

There is a simple explanation for why I've taken to blogging again so soon - I am procrastinating. Naturally. I have several assignments due in the next two weeks, I haven't left my house all day and consequently "got dressed" by changing into different PJ pants, and I am tired of trying to simultaneously contain and create passion for a illustrated book into 115 words. And so here we are.

Millie caught in the act of procrastination!

I've been thinking about how much people change, and how constantly we do it. I used to think that some personality traits are inherent and never leave you, no matter how many experiences you have, who you meet, or what tragedy befalls you. But now I'm not so sure.

I used to be really decisive. I would make decisions before I'd heard all the options, and I felt confident and sure of myself. In high school, Kayla and her then-boyfriend would sit around the house, not making any plans, until one of them would whine "Jillllllian, what should we doooooo?" I loved making choices, being in control, choosing for myself and other people what I thought would be best.

It seems, however, that sometime between September 2010 and now I lost my gift. It started with small, everyday tasks - unsure of which McDonald's meal to order, even though I've bought the same thing ever since high school, wavering between which time would be best to go to the gym, what t-shirt looked best with which cardigan. But I feel like it's gone to a whole new level now, where I am actually incapable of deciding anything. On more than one occasion in the past month I have walked into a familiar coffee shop and stared at the menu for an unreasonably long time until the Barrista, noticing the look of pain and confusion in my eyes and my furrowed brow, asks what I'd like to order; with an air of hopelessness and dejection, I reply "You choose." I have an impossible time deciding which bus route to take, which pair of earrings to wear, and what music to listen to on my iPod. It's exhausting, really.

I'm no psychologist, but I'd venture to guess that my inability to make small decisions stems from my current crisis about my future. I have no idea where I will be living in three months, let alone the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll be leaving Vancouver and taking some time away from my MA and moving to Ontario to try something new, moving home to Newfoundland to get a job and a car and resume life as usual, or returning to BC to write my thesis. I don't know what kind of career I want, where I want to live, who I want to marry or even if I want to marry, what kind of car I want to drive, if I want to get a kitten or a puppy or any animal at all, if I want to become a vegetarian because of health reasons or because it's culturally cool, or what type of earring style I should be reinventing my collection into. You know, the really big life decisions.

This is not unusual, and I am by no means unique. Just today my roommate, who is working on her PhD in psychology, told me that she's basically sticking it out because she doesn't want to face the real world. Because making real choices for life is scary. What if you make the wrong one? What if you buy a house in a city that you don't want to live in, and then you're unhappy for the rest of your life? Who wants to make that kind of commitment? You could screw up your life with one bad decision. That's a lot of pressure, man.

So, I've resorted to the only method that's left: letting other people decide what I'll do with my life. What do YOU think I should do? Where should I live? What career path should I choose? What kind of car should I buy (who am I kidding - I'm totally getting a Civic)?

Prayers will also be accepted in lieu of, or in addition to, advice.

I'm going to leave you with something really cool: YouTube has a symphony! People from all over the world are meeting up at the Sydney Opera House to perform together. Here is the link to their YouTube channel, where there are videos from members of the orchestra, and soon they'll be broadcasting their performance for 2011. Enjoy!

Jillz