Skinny

"I like being a fat girl because I can eat whatever I want and it doesn't matter - I'm already fat." - jpmetz

I love TLC. Whenever I'm meandering around the house, folding laundry or washing dishes or getting ready for bed, I turn on channel 41 and see what show promoting extreme behaviour is on now. The other night I tuned in just as I was settling into bed and I caught the opening of a show I haven't seen before: Big Sexy.


If you haven't seen or heard of Big Sexy, it's a show following five plus sized women who are all trying to "make it" in the fashion/make-up/modelling world in New York City. The girls are varying shapes and sizes, but they are all over size 16 and claim to love their bodies.

At first I had high hopes for this show: it seemed like an interesting concept and maybe would even evoke positive change in perceptions of beauty. But the more I watched, the more I realized that the show isn't really about loving yourself and your body; it's about a battle between the skinny and the fat women of the world.Throughout the whole show, the woman talk about how happy they are with themselves, but every time they go on an outing to a club or to try and meet men, they talk about how much skinny people stare at them as though they are freaks. One girl was asked to model a bikini and she lost her mind worrying about showing her stomach because it wasn't flat.

Big Sexy isn't about loving yourself whatever size or shape you are; it's perpetuating this myth that life is better and easier if you're skinny. And that makes me angry.

I am fat. I have gone through weight ups and downs, and I have for most of my life believed, somewhere down in the deep crevasses of my brain, that if I was 20 or 30 or 100 pounds smaller, my life would be perfect. I'd feel good about myself all the time and I'd be so confident and radiant that everyone would love me without having to try and make them.

And this belief, which most people accept as truth, is complete garbage. It has taken me a long time and many nights of feeling guilty because I ate a bowl of ice cream and hating myself because if only I could lose a bit of weight my problems would magically go away to realize how wrong this perception is. When I lost 40 pounds a year ago, life was exactly the same. I was healthier and I had more energy and I felt better, but boys still didn't fall in love with me upon first glance, I still got a bad grade if I did no work, and I still got in disputes with colleagues. As far as I can tell, no one loved me any more or less because I was a few sizes smaller.

My point is, while it's important to be at a healthy weight and to eat well, being thin doesn't magically make you a better person. And it is possible to love yourself and your body if you're fat.

I do.

I feel pretty and comfortable in my own skin, because I like myself. I didn't for a really long time, but I do now. And I joke about being fat because I am, and I like to eat and it's true so let's acknowledge it! Being overweight is a part of who I am, and who I've been my whole life. And sometimes I still get down about how I look, but skinny girls do too. And I know I'm not as healthy as I should be, so I'm working on getting fit so I don't die of a heart attack at 25. But weight loss is not about being as skinny as someone else, or trying to get a particular person to love you. It's about loving yourself and your body enough to take care of it.

So, ladies: love yourselves. Be happy and confident just as you are, because looking like someone you're not is just ugly.

Jillz