Every year I promise myself I won't get in this mess like I did last year.
Every year there's 2 weeks left of the term and I reach maximum stress levels, send frantic (and unnecessary) emails to profs, consume triple the amount of coffee, and have restless nights peppered with disturbing dreams where my computer has lost all my files or the paper is not actually about narrative complexity but consumption of social media in China and I have 35 hours to research and rewrite.
Every year.
Here is a glimpse into how my days look in these final moments of the term.
5:45 - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
5:50 - Open eyes in a panic that I will sleep through the snooze alarm. Get up. Turn off alarm.
5:52 - Shower. Sometimes quietly sing a Christmas tune (as not to wake sleeping roommates), but more often not. Spend time groggily and exhaustedly think about what I have to do today.
6:10 - Get dressed. Usually wear some variation of novelty tshirt, cardigan, and scarf.
6:13 - Do makeup. Sometimes watch whatever British TV show has been uploaded to YouTube overnight while doing this. Debate 45 seconds too long over which eyeliner, if any, I will wear today.
6:25 - Dry and straighten hair. Completely forget about not wanting to wake-up roommates. Sing.
6:35 - Eat breakfast at a rapid pace and pack lunch at warp speed, for fear of missing the bus. Spend entire time brooding over the impending day staring at computer screen.
6:55 - Brush teeth, apply lip balm, bemoan the state of hair, bundle myself up in winter gear and leave house. Spend 2 minutes searching for bus pass and keys once outside the house. They are always in the left-hand pocket of jacket.
7:04 - Arrive at bus stop. If it's not so cold that eyes have glazed over, spend time studying fellow commuters and imagining their life stories. Text friends/check Twitter (if it is warm enough to remove mittens).
7:11 - Bus arrives, late as usual. Spend the next 34 minutes fluctuating between enjoying the "free time" I have to enjoy reading for pleasure and criticizing fellow commuters for not understanding how to be efficient. If there are strollers on the bus, roll eyes.
7:42 - Board O-Train to Carleton. Dodge Metro paper pushers.
7:52 - Arrive at Carleton. Walk to River Building, debating whether or not to get a coffee. Always decide to get a coffee, but no breakfast sandwich.
8:10 - Occupy desk in TA room, coffee and breakfast sandwich in hand. Empty pockets, set up computer, shuffle papers and books around as though I have some sort of plan. I do not.
8:15 - Open Word document with paper and notes; promptly minimize. Open Google Chrome. Begin morning check-list: check email, check Google Reader, check Facebook, check Tumblr, check Twitter, check Instagram, check Facebook, check email. Decide to keep Facebook tab open, but minimized.
8:50 - Realize that I haven't begun work yet. Check phone. Respond to texts for a while.
9:07 - Begin writing. Re-read what I wrote yesterday. Change some of it. Debate over the subject-verb agreement of one sentence for several minutes. Check Facebook. Check phone.
9:34 - Greet classmates as they join the writing party. Chat about our evenings. Check phone. Share funny story that I just saw on Twitter. Show each other good holiday-themed YouTube videos. Laugh. Discuss favourite music of the season. Play some for each other.
10:03 - Both comment on how we need to get work done. Silence, except for the occasional sound of clicking keys.
10:46 - Suggest coffee break. Get coffee.
10:52 - Decide to say hello to Colleen, school administrator. Have a chat about family and the holidays and grant applications.
11:14 - Return to desk, determined to write another page before 12:30.
11:15 - Check Facebook. (Another engagement photo shoot)
11:27 - Really get down to writing. I am on FIRE! Words are flowing freely from my brain to my fingers! I MIGHT GET MY TO-DO LIST DONE TODAY!!
11:50 - Ask friend: "Does this sentence make sense?" Read aloud to them. Discuss ways to improve entire paragraph, and then the entire essay.
12:04 - Return to writing, disheartened.
12:36 - Have not reached writing goal. Eat lunch anyway. Check Google Reader, check Facebook, check Tumblr, check Twitter. Check phone, respond to people I have been ignoring.
1:23 - Check notes against essay. Realize that what I thought the article was saying isn't what it's saying at all. Almost cry. Google it. Find out I was right in the beginning. Eat a chocolate to reward myself for making it through that emotional roller coaster without sobbing uncontrollably and questioning my entire life path.
2:15 - Take a well-deserved YouTube break. Re-watch TV show I watched this morning. Become interested in the recommended videos. Go on extended, unplanned YouTube binge, while repeatedly telling myself "this is the last one!"
3:00 - Coffee break!
3:10 - Back in action. Stare at what I've written. Scroll up and down. Notice error in Works Cited; change it. Start bolding/highlighting sentences I am unsure of.
3:22 - Check Facebook. Check Tumblr. Check email.
3:30 - Respond to student emails. Send longer emails then necessary. Check phone. Check Instagram. Wonder if there's anything interesting I can Instagram from this location.
3:55 - Begin writing. Get into a groove. Make substantial changes to paragraphs, move things around, write a page. Tell people to "hold on! hold on! hold on!" when they ask me a question, because "I've just got to finish this thought."
4:32 - Chat to fellow students. Ask when they are going home. Ask how much they've gotten done today. Compare it against my work. Feel accomplished/not accomplished, accordingly.
4:46 - Write another few sentences. Decide to go home for supper.
5:06 - Get on the O-Train. Begin long journey home. Read The Hobbit on the bus and decide that it is Instagram-worthy. Feel really connected to Bilbo Baggins.
5:52 - Arrive home. Settle bags on the floor. Open fridge and find leftovers. While they re-heat, promise myself I will get another 3 pages written tonight.
6:30 - Supper is eaten. Decide to finish the episode of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix before getting down to work.
6:43 - Resume writing. Check Facebook/Google Reader/Twitter/email/phone with more vigor than earlier in the day.
7:56 - Sign out of all social media, hide phone from view, promise to get serious, now. Write.
8:24 - Decide to call parents/friends. Have longer chat than expected.
9:05 - Clean up kitchen/sort recycling. Decide to do laundry. Contemplate painting nails.
9:45 - Stare at Word document. Feel completely exhausted. Start thinking about how much I didn't finish today. Feel overwhelmed with how much there is left to do.
10:10 - Admit defeat for the day. Sorrowfully move everything I have left for today onto tomorrow's agenda. Promise that tomorrow will be more productive.
10:25 - Get ready for bed. Forget to brush teeth because I StumbledUpon a cool music maker.
10:38 - Brush teeth.
10:40 - Decide to write blog post, because it's important to do things for myself in these busy times.
11:32 - Look at clock and realize that I have to be up in 6 hours, and I haven't yet watched my daily beauty vlogs.
12:00 - Finally close computer and take off glasses. Swear that tomorrow you will not go to bed so late.
Repeat until December 17th.
Jillz
__________________
Number of books read in 2012: 25
Current TV series: Sherlock series 2
Current nail colour: OPI's "Tomorrow Never Dies"
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
25 Things I've Learned at 25 Years Old
Maybe it's because I've been reading a lot of Thought Catalog lately; or maybe it's because I'm slightly obsessed with documenting things - quotes, books, nailpolishes - in numbered lists; or maybe it's because lists are easy to read (or skim). Whatever the cause, I've decided to compile some things I've been thinking about lately.
25 things I have learned at 25 years old
1. Math is important, but only some kinds of math: Oh the many nights I (and my dad) slaved over factoring and translations and graphing on the z-axis and y=mx+b! Torturous evenings, my friends, where I could never see the point. And I was right: I've never used this, and thinking about it still makes me feel inadequate and useless. BUT how I wish I had retained the simple but important math of fractions and decimals and percentages and addition. Let me tell you: there's nothing quite as embarrassing as handing in a tax form to your new employer that's several thousand dollars and some spare change off of the correct number because you didn't have a calculator and "thought it would be fun!" to see how much basic addition you remembered. Ugh. Learn the times tables.
2. People who read books are smart: I don't mean the just classics or poetry or philosophy. I mean people who like reading, who frequently engage with words in ways that require the mind to do all sorts of things - conjure images, recall moments from other books in the series, word association - are smart. Reading makes your mind work. When your mind works, you think more and absorb more. So you should be reading.
3. Just because a boy says you look pretty doesn't mean he wants to kiss you: Sometimes you've curled your hair and put on gold eyeshadow and bold red lips, and then a boy pays you that complement that makes every girl feel like a princess: "You look really pretty today." That is a nice thing to say. But it doesn't mean he likes you. It just means that, objectively speaking, you look pretty today.
4. Just because internet speech is funny online doesn't mean it's appropriate in real life: An example would include telling your prof to "get it together" and writing in an exam "go home, [theorist], you are drunk."
7. My parents were right (about some things): I spent a long time ignoring most of my parents' wisdom, because angsty teen/young adult Jillian believed firmly in yelling "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!!" whenever possible. I thought I was a deep, wizened old soul. Right. Turns out that my parents were right about many things, like how being smart with money is important and the sorts of people I want in my life and to think before I speak. Who knew?
25 things I have learned at 25 years old
1. Math is important, but only some kinds of math: Oh the many nights I (and my dad) slaved over factoring and translations and graphing on the z-axis and y=mx+b! Torturous evenings, my friends, where I could never see the point. And I was right: I've never used this, and thinking about it still makes me feel inadequate and useless. BUT how I wish I had retained the simple but important math of fractions and decimals and percentages and addition. Let me tell you: there's nothing quite as embarrassing as handing in a tax form to your new employer that's several thousand dollars and some spare change off of the correct number because you didn't have a calculator and "thought it would be fun!" to see how much basic addition you remembered. Ugh. Learn the times tables.
2. People who read books are smart: I don't mean the just classics or poetry or philosophy. I mean people who like reading, who frequently engage with words in ways that require the mind to do all sorts of things - conjure images, recall moments from other books in the series, word association - are smart. Reading makes your mind work. When your mind works, you think more and absorb more. So you should be reading.
3. Just because a boy says you look pretty doesn't mean he wants to kiss you: Sometimes you've curled your hair and put on gold eyeshadow and bold red lips, and then a boy pays you that complement that makes every girl feel like a princess: "You look really pretty today." That is a nice thing to say. But it doesn't mean he likes you. It just means that, objectively speaking, you look pretty today.
5. It is good to collect things, but it is possible to have too much nail polish: Sometimes I want to buy new colours and think: I have one almost exactly like this. And when I do that for every colour, I know I have to many. Sometimes I purge my collection, passing polish that have fallen out of my favour on to another home, so I can try new things. It's good to not get too sentimental about your collections. (This does not apply to books.)
6. You will never look like Kate Moss, so have that slice of pie: And some of those Kit-Kat minis while you're at it. People are happier when they're eating.
7. My parents were right (about some things): I spent a long time ignoring most of my parents' wisdom, because angsty teen/young adult Jillian believed firmly in yelling "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!!" whenever possible. I thought I was a deep, wizened old soul. Right. Turns out that my parents were right about many things, like how being smart with money is important and the sorts of people I want in my life and to think before I speak. Who knew?
8. My parents were wrong (about other things): Like I should be an architect. And that I should be less opinionated. And that TV would rot my brain.
9. But it's ok: Because parents aren't perfect and everybody says and does the wrong thing at the wrong time some of the time, and the healthy way of dealing with that is saying "Whoops! Sorry 'bout that!" and responding "No probs! We're all human!" and then hugging. And possibly drinking hot chocolate.
10. Feeling guilty is 100% unproductive: Guilt is not an emotion we are supposed to feel. Guilt came with The Fall. So feeling guilty just makes you miserable for things that you cannot change. Confess; ask for forgiveness; burn that box of letters and renew your gym membership and sell all of your possessions. Do whatever you have to do to deal with your past, and move on. Forgive yourself, and stop feeling guilty.
11. Doing scary things is scary, but keep doing them: I don't mean like going to haunted houses or befriending known serial murders. I mean taking gigantic leaps forward in directions that seem beyond your reach. Moving to BC alone was the scariest thing I've ever done; I actually sometimes can't believe I did it. But I am more proud of taking that huge risk in my life than almost anything else I've ever done. It's rewarding saying or doing the things you find daunting, because you often find they aren't as frightening as you imagined.
12. Find (a) best friend(s): A person who makes you laugh. A person for whom listening to their crappy problems isn't a chore because they do the same for you. A person with whom you could drive across the country and you probably would still both be alive at the end. A person who doesn't think your weird hobbies are weird. A person who you'd trust to give a eulogy perfectly balanced between humour and sentiment at your funeral. A person with whom you've discussed this.
13. People don't fit into categories: No matter how perceptive you are, sometimes people just do things you don't expect them to. Sometimes these surprises are awful and you wish the person had never been born. Mostly, though, people do extraordinary things that are "so unlike them!" when you least expect it. Let these moments change your relationship.
14. No matter how much you think you want that Starbucks cookie, you won't when you've eaten it: They're never as good as you remember. Save the $1.95.
15. Counselling can liberate you: Telling someone who doesn't know anything about you your intimate thoughts is terrifying because you are weird and speaking what goes on inside your brain out loud might result in weird looks and quick scribbles and a call to the authorities. But we are all weird and having someone to hear what you're saying and observe how you're saying it might just offer some relief from yourself. Counselling, with the right person, can begin the path to healing - to happiness.
16. Your past matters, but not as much as you think it does: We are the sum of our past experiences. But if I've learned anything - especially in the past few months - it's the importance of owning your story, processing whatever parts make you miserable or guilty or prideful, and then leaving them alone. Do not let the scars of your past ugly your present. You are not beholden to who you were; it matters who you are.
17. Don't do things you don't want to for fear of "missing out": If you don't want to go somewhere because you're tired or you don't want to get the bus or because you have 2 episodes left of Downton Abbey and you just want to find out what happens with Mary and Matthew: don't go. There will always be other opportunities.
18. If you don't want to spend money, don't go to the $5 movie bin: You will always find that elusive Matt Damon movie that you don't yet have in your collection.
19. Not everyone who likes makeup is vain: I used to think makeup was evil and scary. The girls who wore it were vain, manipulative, and shallow. This is insane, and also not true. Many people who wear makeup are vain. Many are not. There are also a fair collection of women who don't wear makeup who could use bringing down a notch or two. Cosmetics are fun, and that's it.
20. Honesty and bluntness are rare: Because I am frequently these things, I didn't realize until quite recently that many people are not. It was an unnerving realization that not everyone tells you what they're thinking all the time, and it explains why people are shocked when I am. But I am often told that people appreciate my honesty, and so I won't stop. For those who hate it; sorry (sort of. You can just tell me to stop).
21. Jeans shouldn't be the only pants in your wardrobe: Sometimes they are not appropriate. Sometimes you need to suck up your hatred of trying things on and go on the hunt for a pair of dress pants. And shoes that are not TOMS.
22. The New Covenant is liberating: When I finally came to understand the New Covenant as the New Testament outlines (as best as I can; I mean, there's always more to learn), I felt liberated: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial" (1 Corinthians 10:23). Life in Jesus is not about obeying rules of a church or of your friends or of your parents. Because there are none. There is nothing we can do to earn God's love, because he loves us already. There's nothing we can do to make him stop. There are no rules that ensure us a gold star at the end of our lives. But this kind of freedom demands that we live in a way that is honourable and pleasing to Him. And this is the absolute most liberating truth I have ever come to know. (I recommend listening to this series on The Truth About Freedom from The Rock of York podcast)
23. Get excited about stuff you like, even if other people think it's weird: Because life is so much more satisfying if you enjoy the stuff that makes you giddy, regardless of how others see you.
24. Strangers on the internet aren't scary: I used to think that everyone online who wasn't me was a serial killer. However, in the past year I've met some incredible people through the Internet; people who would be my friends in real life, people who have inspired me and motivated me and who have made me laugh. Not everyone on the other side of the screen is a weirdo.
25. What you wanted to be when you were 7 years old is what you should be doing as an adult: When I first learned how to read in kindergarden, I immediately began writing. I wrote stories and poems. My teachers made booklets of white paper for me to write stories when I was done my work. When we got a computer, I spent hours writing novels that I never finished. When I went to junior high and throughout high school and university, I tried to find something else that I was supposed to "be." Nothing stuck, and I was miserable. It took me until I was 25 to realize that the only thing I want to do is read and write. Turns out that the child me, yet uncorrupted by the need for money and status, knew the desires of my heart far more intimately than I did as an adult. I'm glad I'm finally in tune again.
Jillz
_____________________
Number of books read in 2012: 25
Current TV series: American Horror Story
Current nail colour: OPI's "Tomorrow Never Dies"
16. Your past matters, but not as much as you think it does: We are the sum of our past experiences. But if I've learned anything - especially in the past few months - it's the importance of owning your story, processing whatever parts make you miserable or guilty or prideful, and then leaving them alone. Do not let the scars of your past ugly your present. You are not beholden to who you were; it matters who you are.
17. Don't do things you don't want to for fear of "missing out": If you don't want to go somewhere because you're tired or you don't want to get the bus or because you have 2 episodes left of Downton Abbey and you just want to find out what happens with Mary and Matthew: don't go. There will always be other opportunities.
18. If you don't want to spend money, don't go to the $5 movie bin: You will always find that elusive Matt Damon movie that you don't yet have in your collection.
19. Not everyone who likes makeup is vain: I used to think makeup was evil and scary. The girls who wore it were vain, manipulative, and shallow. This is insane, and also not true. Many people who wear makeup are vain. Many are not. There are also a fair collection of women who don't wear makeup who could use bringing down a notch or two. Cosmetics are fun, and that's it.
20. Honesty and bluntness are rare: Because I am frequently these things, I didn't realize until quite recently that many people are not. It was an unnerving realization that not everyone tells you what they're thinking all the time, and it explains why people are shocked when I am. But I am often told that people appreciate my honesty, and so I won't stop. For those who hate it; sorry (sort of. You can just tell me to stop).
21. Jeans shouldn't be the only pants in your wardrobe: Sometimes they are not appropriate. Sometimes you need to suck up your hatred of trying things on and go on the hunt for a pair of dress pants. And shoes that are not TOMS.
22. The New Covenant is liberating: When I finally came to understand the New Covenant as the New Testament outlines (as best as I can; I mean, there's always more to learn), I felt liberated: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial" (1 Corinthians 10:23). Life in Jesus is not about obeying rules of a church or of your friends or of your parents. Because there are none. There is nothing we can do to earn God's love, because he loves us already. There's nothing we can do to make him stop. There are no rules that ensure us a gold star at the end of our lives. But this kind of freedom demands that we live in a way that is honourable and pleasing to Him. And this is the absolute most liberating truth I have ever come to know. (I recommend listening to this series on The Truth About Freedom from The Rock of York podcast)
23. Get excited about stuff you like, even if other people think it's weird: Because life is so much more satisfying if you enjoy the stuff that makes you giddy, regardless of how others see you.
24. Strangers on the internet aren't scary: I used to think that everyone online who wasn't me was a serial killer. However, in the past year I've met some incredible people through the Internet; people who would be my friends in real life, people who have inspired me and motivated me and who have made me laugh. Not everyone on the other side of the screen is a weirdo.
25. What you wanted to be when you were 7 years old is what you should be doing as an adult: When I first learned how to read in kindergarden, I immediately began writing. I wrote stories and poems. My teachers made booklets of white paper for me to write stories when I was done my work. When we got a computer, I spent hours writing novels that I never finished. When I went to junior high and throughout high school and university, I tried to find something else that I was supposed to "be." Nothing stuck, and I was miserable. It took me until I was 25 to realize that the only thing I want to do is read and write. Turns out that the child me, yet uncorrupted by the need for money and status, knew the desires of my heart far more intimately than I did as an adult. I'm glad I'm finally in tune again.
Jillz
_____________________
Number of books read in 2012: 25
Current TV series: American Horror Story
Current nail colour: OPI's "Tomorrow Never Dies"
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